WASHINGTON (AP) — Pundits and critics of the War on Terrorism were smartly rebuked when President Bush was cowardly attacked by a pretzel. Even in the heart of the White House, radical pretzel sympathizers were able to slip Bush a loaded, salty treat capable of raising his cholesterol, blood pressure and even producing debilitating acne.
Their plan succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.
Moments after first biting into the doughy assassin, Bush began choking and then passed out, while his dogs, Barney and Spot, could only look on in silent horror. Although in good physical condition for his age, Bush was no match for this new weapon of terror and he briefly lost consciousness. When he came to, he found a small cut on his check and his self-esteem in ruins.
American Pretzel giants, Rold Gold and Pringles pledged their full cooperation with federal investigators trying to find the source of the weapon. “We are victims of the terrorists too,” said Pepsico CEO Steven Reinemund. Pepsico owns Fritolay who distributes Rold Gold pretzels. “Instead of seeing an American icon of leisure, our consumers will see their president passed out and drooling with a half pretzel in his limp hand,” Reinemund continued. “God, we’re screwed,” said Reinemund who then began to cry like a little child.
Sources close to the Bush administration indicated that the President is recovering. Bush is said to be able to eat small handfuls for cocktail nuts, ruffled and unruffled potato chips, and the occasional cheese doodle but is still unwilling to let pretzels back into the White House.
In statement read to the press corp, Bush said “great harm has been done to us. But in our grief and anger, we have found our mission, and our moment.” Bush then ordered the bombing of some random country of brown people.